Doesn’t add up

September 18, 2008 at 5:10 pm | Posted in neurosurgery | 4 Comments

Wow, I seriously underestimated how uncomfortable I would feel at neurosurgery grand rounds. Which is surprising because I did expect to feel somewhat out of place. But I actually felt frankly unwelcome.

It’s hard to tell what that means, without context. But the context in my life at the moment is a deafening silence in response to all my requests for help and advice, from nearly all quarters. And no one seems able, or at least willing, to give me any real answer why.

Think about it from my perspective. I’m a pretty normal person–easy to get along with most of the time. I get irritated when people waste my time, but usually let it go unless it involves something important. I get angry when I feel I’ve been mistreated, but almost never act on it without thinking through the consequences first. So with that as background, I work toward my career goal, and along the way people are generally supportive and encouraging of my efforts.

Imagine waking up one day, having done nothing differently than the day before, and all of a sudden people are treating you like a leper. No one will come within 10 feet of you. But no one will acknowledge that, and everyone insists that this is normal behavior, and nothing has changed from the day before. But you can see with your own eyes that it has.

There are a few people who aren’t acting like that, so you ask one of them to find out what’s going on and tell you. But then that person, instead of telling you, starts treating you the same way. Everywhere you go, and with every person you meet, it’s always the same pattern. And no one will tell you why. Or they come up with reasons that are profoundly insufficient as an explanation.

How do you get to the bottom of something like this? Because I certainly can’t fix what I don’t know is wrong.

I mean really, did I kill someone in my sleep? Are Katrina and Rita and Ike just massive Poltergeists of my creation? Am I shedding Ebola virus? Seriously, what’s the deal?

I suppose it’s always possible that there’s a disconnect between reality and what my records say. But why wouldn’t someone be willing to point out whatever it is they find concerning, in that case, so that I can address it?

Or maybe no one can tell me because it’s not me that’s done something wrong, and it’s easier to exclude me than to address the real problem. I don’t know the answer, but I certainly can’t take any of these possibilities off the table with the information I currently have.