Instrument-rated

March 13, 2007 at 9:42 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

So of the two programs listed, I knew already that one of them was not real. So I called the other one this morning and was told that the other program had also matched all their spots. Since I called at 11:04, I seriously doubt that they filled via the scramble.

It was hard to watch all those spots get filled in the other specialties while my own future remains so uncertain. I do hate uncertainty with a passion. And the cumulative events of these last two years have taxed all the reserves I have for dealing with it. So I spent much of the morning trying to picture myself as a resident in anesthesia, neurology, psychiatry, radiology, pediatrics, even medicine. But there truly is not anything else I can see myself doing for more than a year or two. Well, let me qualify that–nothing I can see myself enjoying. Certainly there are things I can do, and do well. And there’s always some enjoyment in simply being good at what you’re doing. But it’s not enough to sustain a career, without some intrinsic enjoyment of the field itself. Perhaps I’ll change my mind over this next year, but somehow I doubt it.

I’m a planner. I have plans on every time horizon imaginable. One year, 3 years, 5 years, 10 years, even thirty years ahead. The plans are always flexible–I know better than to expect things to go perfectly. In fact, changes in the plan don’t bother me at all. It’s being unable to plan in the first place that drives me crazy. And I tend to drive other people crazy when it gets like that in my life.

So right now I just have to trust that I’m on the right course. I can’t actually see the way ahead, which is certainly distressing, but I’ve made a plan that should get me to my goal.

And so this morning, with some effort, I closed the scramble list and went on with my day.